Calling it Quits - When it's Time to Let Go of a Friend

by Karen Nowicki

As parents, it is natural to want our children to have first-rate friends. We realize that friendships help determine our journey in life – they have the power to build us up or tear us down.

Anytime our child is in a relationship, there are times they will be challenged. Just like our relationship with our spouse or co-workers, we don't always agree or like what they say and do. Healthy relationships show us that we can find a common ground and meet each other half-way; or, at least, agree to disagree.

Been there done that
As adults, we have come to know whether or not someone is good for us. This barometer did not develop over night. It took years of being in relationships with a variety of people before we were clear about who we are and who we enjoy spending time with.

We have been through life's tween/teen "boot camp" and know first-hand that those experiences and friendships were there to help shape our future. It makes sense then, to step back and be a gentle guide when your tween is in the midst of such a growth spurt.

Intervene when the situation is extreme
Are you prepared to be the bad guy and say "No" to your tween when a friend displays extreme behaviors?

"If your son's friend has a great interest in fire and persists in experimenting in your basement, you clearly need to act. If a girl often bullies your daughter or calls her hurtful names, you need to put a stop to that "friendship", explains Dr. Robert Needlman, Vice President of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics for the Dr. Spock Company.

There are times that you have to put your foot down and assert more parental control. This can be done with firm love instead of fear and anger.  Be a parent, not a best friend.

Be aware of the signs
Take responsibility to discourage potentially harmful or delinquent associations. "When a behavior is dangerous it must be stopped," advises Dr. Anita Gurian, executive editor for the NYU Child Study Center, "Be aware of the warning signs that indicate that consultation with a mental health professional may be helpful, such as: extreme weight change; sleep problems; drastic personality change; skipping school; poor academics; talk of suicide; signs of substance use; run-ins with the law."

Don't be afraid to be the one who calls to say, "I'm concerned." If you know the friend and their family, this just might be the call that leads them to getting the help they need. If you don't know them, why is that?

Express openly and share your concern
Discuss the behaviors and choices the friend displays instead of criticizing them directly. "I've noticed that when [name] comes over, the rules about the internet are broken. If this happens again, you will not be allowed to use the computer while he is here and for three days afterwards."

Of course, this means that you need to be clear with your house rules to begin with. Specifying the consequences of breaking rules ahead of time helps your tween set and maintain personal limits. They will be more likely to say no to peers that bring them down.

Teach coping skills so that they learn to protect themselves
Discuss possible situations that may arise and have them role play how they would handle themselves.

• What would you do if guest at a slumber party pulls out a six pack of beer from her duffle bag?
• How would you handle yourself if the girl you like wants you to become sexually active?
• When a group of kids at school are planning a "prank" that involves damaging property, what do you do?

It is easier for a tween to handle difficult situations if they have been given opportunities to practice. Acknowledge them for the friends they have that support their best interest. Your tween will be self assured and feel your confidence and trust in them – making it easy for them to call it quits when their safety is being challenged.

Take a walk down memory lane
Do you remember what it was like for you when you were faced with similar choices? Although it may feel vulnerable, at first, share your own relationship experiences with your tween. Let them know when you made mistakes and how that impacted you. Use current or recent examples to demonstrate that choosing friends wisely will always be a part of life.

Let your tweens know that you are fortunate to have open communication with them. Remember to tell them frequently that you are proud and trust them. Although friendships through the tween years will have a lasting impact, they are never a replacement for strong family values and a loving connection.

Karen Nowicki is dedicated to helping you become the greatest expression of yourself. She accomplishes this through her private coaching, tele-seminars, and her Snuggle Deep Retreat. Karen is the award winning author of Maddie Moonbeam's Garden, an inspirational gift book which offers a sweet tribute to each person's journey toward self acceptance. Karen's book has been named among the best in family-friendly media, products and services by the Mom's Choice Awards®